I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
