It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
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I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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