Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize