he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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