If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
