So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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