If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
