I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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