i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
