Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
