im drinking this country out of the recession.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
please come you make the beer taste better
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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