I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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