I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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