My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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