i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
