My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
