I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
