You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
