apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
