Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
