I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I want to make a zoo with you.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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