Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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