Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
