dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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