babies were throwing up all over the place
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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