remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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