I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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