dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
