you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
