Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
