I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
