how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
