You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
