I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
