my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
