If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
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I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
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Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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