Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
