I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
