I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
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WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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