I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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