I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
