I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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