Me too!
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
