So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
