The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
