WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
