Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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