I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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