considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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