Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
