I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
