Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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