i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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