I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
