I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
