Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
